It was in this session where everything changed for me. Getting to California and visiting Yosemite was in all reality a dream come true but realizing a debastating truth about myself hit me like a sledge hammer in the face... with spikes... against a solid rock ground.
To make this story short I made a video that day that I posted on my personal IG page. A month after I took that video I fell ill with a throat infection that caused me to easily become agitated, take 5 steps, run out of air and felt as if my heart was about to jump out of my chest and run away from my body. It was then, at a moment alone that sitting on my couch, feeling completely helpless, unable and ill that I began going through my photos trying to find something to post about and came across that video I took while on my trip to Yosemite. I WAS CRYING! I couldn't contain my anger and disdain for allowing myself to get to the point where I couldn't hike to Vernon falls! I couldn't walk, I COULDN'T BREATHE!!! I could barely talk on the video and that was only because at the time I took it I was walking downwards and very slowly.
I was angry because my being overweight had gotten to the point where I was the biggest one of my friends and I cound't go on acting like I didn't notice it. for almost 4 years, at least once a year (sometimes twice a year) I would buy myself pants a size bigger and told myself that was going to be the last time I bought these pants, but then 8-12 months later I was back for an even bigger size. In 2014 I developed plantar fascittis on both feet which can be incredibly painful, especially after shooting a wedding all day and so long passed with so much pain I had to modify my walk and in turn my foot got deformed which then created more pain! I was using a nasal aspirator for almost a year and about 2-3 times a day even though the label clearly says to discontinue use after a week because I couldn't naturally breathe anymore.
I wasn't running anymore because I was too embarrassed and when I tried it again, years and pounds had tackled my body that my shin splints were so weak to handle the shock of each stride and my weight was so much my legs hurt for over a month so I gave up on that one healthy thing that I loved.
Even thought the weight kept coming on I kept telling myself (and others) that I didn't know what was wrong. That maybe I was allergic to something that made me gain weight. Sure! Yeah right!!!! I was eating my life away, with no regards for myself, my health, or my family. I was eating like a champ without working out like one. My job kept my butt chained to a chair editing other people's memories while my kids didn't had any with me. While I didn't had any myself!
Sure I began this amazing journey of self love after my divorce and getting to know my worth was so refreshing all I could do and all I could want was to celebrate. I wanted to go to the movies, but going to the movies most of the time meant 3 margaritas and popcorn with butter... lots of butter... keep the butter coming!!!
Going out with friends 9 out of 10 times involved hard alcohol and tacos. Sitting on my ass all day then going out for drinks was my lifestyle. Then stress took a toll where I couldn't sleep anymore, and I'll be so stressed I drank everyday. I drank to celebrate that I booked a contract, that I delivered and finalized a wedding contract. I would drink because I was stressed and then I would to celebrate that I wasn't. I would eat too. I would mindlessly eat in front of my computer. Eat very late and then go to bed.
Ok, you know where I'm going with this. I could go on and on and on and I will, just not on this post.
On May 26th I decided to make a change. No, not one of those where I would go to the gym, post a picture of myself on the treadmill, check in on facebook and expect friends to applaud my effort. No, not one where I post a picture of a salad on the IG stories to tell everybody how healthy I eat while I dont post the other 4 meals where I eat for me and half of Africa. This time it was for real. Just for me, just for my kids. For my life, for my long years to come and because I didn't want to be that one friend others stand next to to make themself look better. I was so tired of hearing "I hope this time is for real". What? really? I said I was going to do it so many times before no one really believed me when I said I would? I didn't want to tell anyone what I was eating, when I was going to the gym, I didn't want to check in at parks or the gym anymore because I didn't need anyone's validation or applause NO MORE! I didn't cared who cheered, or believed in me because I did. My freaking life depended on it!
Here I was, inmobilized on my couch feeling defeated with high fever and hearing myself talk on that video where I promised myself this was going to be the last time someone had to wait on me, the last time I was this slow, the LAST TIME!
The video I took was shot on April 29th, I saw it again on May 26. On May 27th I went to get myself some shirts, sweats and hats. On May 28th I started an Instagram account to document this journey and became consistent and dedicated.
For the past month and a half I have done nothign else but to trade social media and drinks with friends for phisical activity. jeans for sweats, wedges for sneakers. Whether is going out for looooong walks, jogging, hiking, or gym-ing I'm always ready! I dont use make up anymore (with the exception of my wedding days) and I use hats everyday now. I put myself first for once and my body for once is catching a break! My resting heart rate went down 12 points in this month and a half, My skin cleared, I could breathe naturally without nasal spray, I lost a couple of inches of stomach and lost a little weight too! :D
I joined and took my fitbit challenges seriously and made it a point to gift myself at least 90 minutes of phisical activity everyday. I followed inspiring people who are also on a weight loss journey. I am inspired by their change and I am on this journey with them. This time for some reason, is different. This time I am willing to give up one thing that I love (photography) to get back another thing I love more (Me!). I am the one thing I wont get back once its too late. I realized that while 36 weddings a year may make me sound like a successful photographer, I miserably fail at keeping myself alive. I love photography so much. Its my biggest passion, but I don't need to be doing so many weddings to love it. I am okay with 5 or 10. I realize my main income will take a hard cut but I am okay with that because I am insane enough to believe GOD is always guiding me. I have to follow my heart and my heart and my entire being tell me that I want this life change more than I ever wanted anything else, EVER!
If you've come this far on this long post, you're awesome! Thank you for that!
To everyone who called or text while my social media went silent. Thank you soooo much! I wasn't dead or dying. I was enroute to getting my kids the mom they deserve. From the bottom of my heart thank you for sticking by me and for always pushing me harder!
Love
-Brenda
